Well, that was fun. Exhausting, but fun.
We hadn’t really left our house much since Covid started, and then, starting July 17th, and ending this past Sunday, we traveled for 5 weekends in a row.
We did long weekends on our boat 3 times, twice at Lake Roosevelt, once at Lincoln Rock, and for two of those trips, Kevin commuted home every night to change water, sleep at home, and come join us again in the morning.
(mis)adventures on the way back from our last boat trip.
Then Kevin and I finally got a weekend away to ourselves after needing one for MONTHS. Back in February, I had been feeling like our relationship was okay but we were like ships passing in the night because he was spending tons of time in Seattle at the VA with his dad (for which I am SO THANKFUL. So thankful he got that time with him before he passed in March).
Then Covid happened, and although our family was home together all the time, it’s sometimes hard to connect as a couple when you have a pre-teen who now stays up as late as you do, and a busy 4th grader who has a million ideas for adventures and projects every hour on the hour, and then throw in an extroverted, confident 5 year old girl who loves to sing and be the star of the family drama, and you just don’t have much down time to have adult conversation, AMIRITE???
Anyway, Kevin and I ended up going to Sandpoint Idaho for 2 nights and that place is awesome! Highly recommend for a getaway destination.
And finally, our travels this last weekend took us back to my hometown in Southwest Washington to celebrate the life of my Grandpa Bob. So hard but so good. He was such an awesome Grandpa, and I’m thankful I grew up close to him and have so many great memories with him.
So, here we are.
Back at home without a flurry of unpacking and repacking filling our weekdays this week.
And I’m back to sitting outside for long mornings looking at the birds, talking to God, and being captivated by the ways He just keeps showing up and opening my eyes to things that have been hidden in plain sight all along.
What I’m talking about is the way He sneaks up on me and speaks words to my heart that make me cry out of nowhere. Like when I found my old journal from high school yesterday when I was cleaning out the garage, and suddenly I had more grace than I’ve ever had for that young, confused girl that I was. In a moment he transformed my understanding of Who HE was in that time of my life. You see, at that time of my life I was living in ways that were completely out of alignment with what I knew to be His desires for me, and I felt buried under a cloud of shame and condemnation. But yesterday it’s like He allowed me to catch a glimpse of the Kindness, and Compassion, and Patience He had for me all along. He wasn’t sitting distantly, watching me with a furrowed brow. He was right beside me all along, knowing that He wasn’t going to give up on me, or withhold His love until I fixed myself. Although, that was definitely my theology as a high schooler, and the result was that I kept God at arms length because he didn’t feel safe and my guilt crushed me.
There have been many of these moments, where God breaks into the everyday and I suddenly have a new understanding of the reality of who He is.
The thing is though, so many of these moments have been happening because, for the first time in a really long time, my schedule isn’t packed.
The great gift of Covid.
SPACE.
TIME.
To breathe.
To reassess what is important and worth fighting for.
And let me tell you, I’m trying with all my might to figure out how NOT to go back to the way things were before. I don’t want to go back to normal because normal was killing me, and as I’ve seen in my kids, it wasn’t working so great for them either.
A caveat though:
I have ideal circumstances so I actually get to have the freedom to make some of these decisions because I have a stable home life, economic situation, etc….for now. Circumstances could change and the rug could be pulled out at any moment, but for now, I recognize that I have a tremendous amount of latitude and privilege and favor that have allowed me to have a life where I get to choose what’s best for me and my family.
In this time of cancelled plans, lots of time at home, the removal of so many things that were holding in place a fragile system of what I thought would help me thrive, I’ve stumbled hard several times. There were some serious mental health challenges a few times that I felt like were going to swallow me whole.
But as I’ve been in these different spaces, I’ve finally experienced the removal of the ability to run.
To escape.
What has become abundantly clear is that my life of “thriving” was largely built upon a carefully crafted system that allowed me to escape from the difficulties of life.
- Me time.
- Tons of “needs” for Self-Care
- Gym time
- My kids being gone at school, sports, etc. so I really didn’t see them that much.
None of these are bad things, and some of them will be reinstated as our schedules allow.
HOWEVER.
I was using them to run from the things I didn’t want to deal with. Like why I get so angry and yell at my kids when they don’t do what I want and stay on MY schedule.
And how was I ever going to do anything significant with my life if I couldn’t get all these people that live here to be more self-sufficient and give me my space so I can figure out what’s next for me after all of you people are in school??
Ugh. That makes me sad to read. But that’s literally what was driving me.
And I feel like I’ve been given a second chance. And that second chance has come with tears and “crazy-mom” moments where my kids have seen me at my absolute worst.
But God sometimes allows us to go through those things because he is pulling some crap out and refining our character and building perseverance and to do that He has to remove every escape hatch that used to give us just enough oxygen to allow us to continue down our self-focused, destructive path.
And in the midst of it, I’ve been learning that God is way more Kind and Creative than I ever knew.
What does it mean when covid makes it so I can’t do all my regular things or even go to church every week?
- It means that the small group I’ve been meeting with all summer to discuss issues of injustice and how we can be better neighbors becomes a place of Revival. A place where the Spirit of God shows up and knits hearts together and gives us vision for the Kingdom He has called us into, and we have church in the yard.
- It means that being prayed for over Marco Polo leaves me crying and so thankful for the gifts of friendship and kindred spirits.
- It means that re-discovering God in nature reminds me that Jesus was a bird watcher too! (No, but seriously, birds are in the Bible a lot!)
- It means that even if I am exhausted from cooking and housework and full time parenting and need to skip my morning time of solitude and prayer and scripture to SLEEP IN (somebody say hallelujah for that time when after ELEVEN YEARS of having early risers, you get late-sleeping kids!!), God somehow gives me an abundance of positivity, and a sharp mind for the day.
- It means that I have more time to actually do the things Jesus told us to do, and actually love my neighbor because I’m not rushing from one thing to the next.
So, I don’t know who needs to hear this today, but know this:
God is Creative and He is Kind. He can meet you wherever you are and transform you no matter what the circumstances are. He is not looking at you with MadFace and waiting for you to get your act together. That’s not who he is. And he proved it.
Romans 5:8
But God demonstrates his own love for us in this While we were still sinners Christ died for us