The Enneagram & Motherhood

 

Well, I believe it’s official.

 

I’m an Enneagram 3. I’ve spent the last 6 months or so in chronic pursuit of really figuring out my number. I’ve tested multiple times, read books, read descriptions of the numbers I thought I might be to my husband, and examined my ways of doing life with a fine toothed comb to try to pluck out the smallest grain of self-aware knowledge that would lead me to discovering my real number.

 

If you’re unfamiliar with the Enneagram, you’re probably wondering why I would even care. Why would I spend so much time navel-gazing in an attempt to label myself with a number?

 

Augustine said it like this: "Grant, Lord, that I may know myself that I may know thee.”

It’s not the pursuit of self that drives this search, rather it’s the pursuit of knowing myself so that I can relate to God and people in more healthy ways. 

 

When we don’t have self-awareness, it’s common to think that we are normal and everyone else probably operates internally just the same way we do.

 

For example: I just told my friend Kim that for as long as I’ve been a stay at home mom, there have been people that show up in my head every day. Usually these people are old bosses, coaches, teachers, co-workers, family members, basically anyone whose approval I’ve sought at some point in my life. I imagine what they would say if they were a fly on the wall in my house for the day. Would they approve of my housekeeping skills? The way I manage my time? The way I parent my kids?

 

Strangely enough, no one has actually ever showed up in the flesh with a report card in hand, but in my head, they are on a sporadic, rotating basis of dropping in to grade me in all the areas of my life.

 

Kim let me know that she in fact, has never experienced this.

 

Oh.

 

Must be a 3 thing? Or a psychosis thing. I’ll ask my therapist.

 

For a long while, I was under the impression that there were “normal” and “abnormal” ways of living. Some very influential people in my life are very black and white, very structured and rigorous, and very perfectionistic. Because of this influence and the shaping effect it had on me, I labored under the constant weight of what I thought to be the *normal* expectations and benchmarks for a healthy and good person.

 

As I’ve chronically fallen short and have not one day in my recollection where I laid my head on the pillow at night feeling that I’d worked hard enough and done well enough that day, I’ve finally hit a wall of sorts. Probably because I’m so tired and life has come to feel like more and more of a hamster wheel, I’ve taken some actions in the past year that are not reflective of “regular Kristi”. 

 

• For the first time in 6 years, I have not regularly volunteered in the classrooms of my kids, only a few sporadic times. 
• I hit a hard stop on my decade long love affair with social media because I couldn’t take one more day of the comparison and the need to keep up with everything and everyone in the world.
• I’ve left my house un-dusted for perhaps the longest span of time since I became a wife and tried my best to be “good” at housework.
• I’ve let my blog collect dust and used my DSLR camera one time, because I’m too tired to launch a “side-hustle” right now.
• I’ve wrestled with the idea that though I feel like God has called me to a few things beyond mom & wife, the timing is not right, and trusting Him that waiting possibly until my 40s won’t be an automatic disqualifier because all the cool kids were well on their way by their late 20s.

 

It seems that even as a 3 I have my limits. 

 

That’s probably where the frustration and feelings of failure and exhaustion stem from. How am I supposed to get verbal affirmation and ‘attagirls! when I’m raising kids and there’s nothing to measure? Raising a child takes a childhood and most of the work is done in the mundane and the privacy of home, not exactly the arena that is fertile soil for the affirmation starved heart of the 3.

This is not meant to be a long monologue of self-pity, rather I’m actually pretty excited right now as some things are starting to make sense, which gives me a sense of new-found freedom and hope.

 

I’ve always known that I was an approval junkie. I’ve long been aware that I strive for love. I love words of affirmation 1 million times more than any of the other love languages (except acts of service because I have 3 kids and chronic disorder. Do the dishes and win my heart forever).  But it’s only starting to become clear why it’s so profoundly affected my motherhood journey. I’ve felt out of place as a mom since I started. I remember in the early days thinking “At least at work if I was doing well, there was a measurable system and annual review that told me so. This is a giant crap-shoot with no feedback and minimal thanks. How do I work this system??”

 

Know myself that I may know thee, Lord. As I continue to understand that I don’t have to earn love and earn God’s approval, I’m trusting that I will know Him better. His heart after all, is overflowing with the kind of love that cannot be earned, but IS freely given.

 

What about you? Have you taken the deep dive into the Enneagram? Do you know your number? I’d love to hear about it in the comments!

 

Comments

[Krista Herling]

I'm a 1, heavy on the perfectionistic and purposeful, with a side of 2, a little people pleasing, a little feeling like I'm never giving enough of myself. It's pretty much a recipe for burnout and panic attacks.
I lost my counselor last year and finally figured out she wasn't coming back so I have to start over. The franticness has got to stop. And while I didn't volunteer as much as I wanted to this year, I just swapped it out for substitute teaching... Which I actually really love, but it's left me feeling like I'm missing my kids. Ugh.
I think no matter what number you are, as moms we feel like we're never enough, never accomplished enough, and whatever we do (like clean the bathroom) is undone in a day anyway.
So, I guess this is commiseration.

[Joan]

As I sit here on the couch at 6:30 am, having my morning coffee, I see a load of whites on the leather chair, waiting to be folded, newspapers from the past few days, scattered on the coffee table, and oh, yes, DUST. I can relate to everything you said, Kristi. This stage of parenting, is easier in some ways, but more difficult with teens who lack respect, and appreciation for what we've been called to do in being ther mom. It is draining at times, and I too, have cut way back on being involved with volunteering for kids school stuff.
Time to sit back and take the time to breath...just breath.
Well said, and well written, Kristi. I hope you write a book, soon, Kristi...you are that good!❤️

[Dolores Bennett]

Hi...

I really like your writing and for being brave enough to lay it all out there.

Enjoying your thoughts in some way makes my day. Keep up the good work.