The Orchardmama Blog

For All the Non-Perfect Moms

Have you ever been having a good day only to have your world sucked up inside of a cyclone of shame inside your own mind?

 

Have you ever had this happen because you are SURE that you are the most inept, unqualified person in the world to do whatever thing you’re supposed to be doing well, but have just failed at miserably?

 

Maybe you have. Maybe you haven’t. Maybe you possess that rare level of resilience that doesn’t tie up your worth in what you do, what you produce, or how you perform.  Maybe it’s not so rare, maybe it only feels to me like it’s rare because I don’t know how to think that way.

 

I don’t know what your thing is. I don’t know in what sphere of life you are sticking your neck out, only to fail again and again.  For me it’s been one thing consistently that has shown me over the past 9 years, my woeful insufficiency. 

 

Parenting.

 

I’m telling you what, I was a really awesome parent until I actually gave birth to some children.  It’s been a long, sometimes (actually alarmingly often) painful process of discovering that I don’t get to command my own universe.  

 

One parenting book after another has failed to fix the crazy.  It’s not for lack of trying. You could come over to my house and see many of my book shelves full of parenting books that are very well written, holding the best of wisdom and intentions to swoop in and save the day.

There have been times I’ve read a book and thought “Man! I wish I had read this 9 years ago!” But then I realize I probably would have rejected this nonsense when I was 25, because I knew EVERYTHING, and these sweet little darlings will just probably outgrow all of this bad stuff if we just give them the benefit of the doubt, and a good dose of love in the form of permissiveness (misapplied as a misunderstanding of grace).

 

But as the years marched on, I’ve realized that parenting is extraordinarily hard work.  I don’t think that I approached it with the correct level of GRIT from the get-go.  Scratch that.  I know I didn’t.  And in the past few years it's often felt like we are trying to play catch up.  

 

This is the point at which I start beating myself up.  It’s like a UFC fight inside my head sometimes. Conflicting ideas spar and jab at each other, throwing around blame and condemnation;

 

“You should have never spanked him!”

“If only you had spanked him more consistently!”

“You should have started earlier with the chores!”

“You need to back off because you’re nagging with all the chores and feeding the anger in his heart!”

"You should have limited TV time”

“Using TV to get a break from the kids is no excuse.  Do better.  Find another way”

“Those people probably think you’re the laziest parent in the world.  A diligent parent would never have kids that act that way”

“How is that family going to ever believe you aren’t a bunch of hypocrites when your family fights and argues all the time?  Jesus? You guys love Him? Please.”

“If you could have figured out how to quit battling depression and anxiety so you could be a kind, calm, consistent mom every day all the time, then the kids would model your kind, calm, consistent behavior instead of your tendency to quickly fly off the handle and yell”

 

Do you ever have a tape that plays like this in your head?

 

If so, I am inviting you to say with me: STOP IT!!!!!!

 

We are not enough.  We cannot give enough structure, enough discipline, enough love, enough time, enough good examples, to ever raise perfect children.

 

Why, oh why have we created these unrealistic perfectionistic expectations and held ourselves and others to them?

 

God has never asked us to do this.  He has asked us to Love Him with all of our hearts, souls, minds, and strength, and to love our neighbors as ourselves.

Our kids ARE OUR NEIGHBORS.  When that registers in my mind, it completely transforms how I relate to them.  Instead of grabbing for more control, I remember that they are little people who make their own choices and have their own lives.  I do not get to commandeer every detail of their existence to make myself look & feel like I am a top-notch parent.

 

On another note, I need a full divorce from the desire for other people to approve of how I’m parenting.  Why do I care? They don’t get a say.  Even the guy at the breakfast table at our hotel last week who gave his wife some ideas about how I should punish one of our kids who back-talked about not wanting to eat any more breakfast. Even the fact that I harbor a memory about that guy shows that I care to much about his opinion. I’ll listen to the people who know us well, love us well, and care more about hearts than behaviors.

 

If I could choose  two ways to transform how I parent, it would be to permanently kick perfectionism out of my life, and to quit caring what other people think for as long as I live.

 

I absolutely cannot do those things without burying my mind in the truth of God and who He has created me and these kids to be.

 

I don’t have an answer for you other than to look to God and ask Him.  At the very least, I hope you feel less alone if you’ve been sucked into your own cyclone of shame this week.  YOU  are a good mom. Even if you’ve failed, been inconsistent, lazy, angry, irritable, any of it. 

 

There is so much grace for you. We are in this together and God has not left us alone.  Run to Him.

pears-Who gets the glory?

This morning I “randomly” felt like reading the book of Daniel.  I have probably only read it once, and don’t consider myself really familiar with this particular book.

As I read it, I found that it was not random at all.  The past couple days, as we have completed pear harvest, I have been reminded of God’s sovereignty and continually called back to humility, as I ponder how well this year went.  It’s easy to slip into a mindset of patting each other on the back for adhering to the best farming practices, investing and spending money wisely, thinking ahead with careful forethought about the coming years, and very quickly we elevate our role in this whole deal.

Did we create the trees? Did we determine the weather patterns? Did we craft the scientific minds who labor to produce food safe treatments to rid the crops of pests?

No. No. & No.

Many people suffered loss to hail.  We did not.  Many people suffered damage from wind.  We did not.  We drove past many orchards infested with mites. Ours was not.  Many people struggled, and continue to struggle, to find an adequate labor force to pick their fruit.  We had a lean crew for 5 days and then, bam- all the help we needed showed up right at our front door.

It turned out to be the 2^nd largest crop we’ve ever had.  

Not one detail of the year escaped His sovereign hand.  Daniel 4:35 says: ‘ He does as he pleases with the powers of heaven and the peoples of the earth. No one can hold back his hand or say to him: “What have you done?” ‘ 

When I ponder these attributes of God, He makes me nervous.  It’s easy to read those things and think of Him as some cruel dictator who runs us all around like puppets on a string.

However, that could not be further from the truth.  His mercy is spread across the pages of Scripture.  Even in the Old Testament, where God often has the reputation of being unkind, unmerciful, and pretty detached from humankind. 

But, as I read the first part of Daniel, and the story of King Nebuchadnezzar, it was very evident that God is not lacking mercy.  King Nebuchadnezzar was an idolatrous king who spurned the one true God.  At one point he ordered three men to be thrown into a fiery furnace because they did not worship the giant golden statue that he had cast of his own image.  They remained faithful to the one true God.  Those guys were saved from the flames, even though they were thrown into them full on, and the guys that had to throw them down into the furnace died because the heat was raging.  Nebuchadnezzar even SAW 4 men, not 3, walking around in the midst of the flames of the furnace.  The fourth was described by Nebuchadnezzar as looking like a “son of the gods”.  He was convinced after they emerged alive from the flames, that the God they worshipped must be the true God, and even declared a decree that no one could speak against this God.  However, he himself still did not bend his knee to this “Most High God” in worship and submission.

 

Maybe God would be done trying to get to Nebuchadnezzar after that?  Wouldn’t your patience have run out?  You just gave the guy an OBVIOUS sign.

But no.  The God of the Universe, in his mercy, allows King Nebuchadnezzar to go as crazy as a wild animal (literally), have his Kingdom removed from him, and live in the woods in complete insanity.  Immediately before Nebuchadnezzar is sent on his mental health exile, he is walking around on the roof of his royal palace, overlooking Babylon and congratulating himself for the empire he’s built.  In his words he built by his “mighty power and for the glory of my majesty”.  That’s when God took him out. Proverbs 16:18 says “Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall”.

The real clincher here, is that King Nebuchadnezzar actually knew this was coming if he didn’t repent and worship God.  He had a dream that mapped all of this out for him, brought in an interpreter of dreams named Daniel, and knew EXACTLY what he was in for if he didn’t get off of his self-appointed throne.  He persisted in his ways.

At the end of his time spent living in the woods acting like an animal, his sanity is given back to him.  King Nebuchadnezzar says this: “Now I, Nebuchadnezzar, praise and exalt and glorify the King of heaven, because everything he does is right and all his ways are just.  And those who walk in pride, he is able to humble”. (emphasis mine)

 

God will give us ample opportunity to acknowledge him, worship him, and glorify him.  It’s not that we have a lack of opportunity.  We are just prone to worship ourselves instead.  We want all the power, all the glory, all the authority over our own lives.  In America we call this-success, autonomy, choice, etc.  And in most cases this pursuit of our self and our glory is highly esteemed.  It’s a path to despair and ruin, no matter how fantastic those fleeting moments of glory and fame feel.

The good news is, we have a patient God who gives us so many chances to turn and acknowledge Him, and glorify Him as the provider of everything on this planet, and every breath in our lungs.  You just read that sentence because God literally gave you that last breath.  He could take your life at any second.  The fact that you’re reading right this moment is evidence of His mercy toward you.

God’s existence and glorification are not contingent upon our intellectual assessment of whether or not He is real, or if He deserves to be worshipped.  He is on the throne either way.  God does not need us to praise Him.  In Luke chapter 19 verse 40, Jesus responds to some Pharisees who want Him to silence his disciples for praising Him with reckless abandon.  Jesus’ response? “I tell you, if they keep quiet, the stones will cry out.”  It is our privilege to be invited into a relationship with God, not the other way around.

How do we turn and worship Him? How do we even encounter the presence of an eternal, Holy God?  The cross.  Our debt of sin, self righteousness, and all-out rebellion was atoned for at the Cross by the God-man, Jesus Christ, who never sinned. He sacrificed his perfect life, once, for ALL people.  No one is excluded.  The only exclusion is for those who will not humbly receive.

All of this came from me thinking about pear harvest?  Yes.  Because I am the first in line to want to take the credit that God is due.  It’s a continual journey that I’m on, to recognize that I’m not the one running the show here.

Whether or not we have a fantastic crop, or if we get completely wiped out by hail, God is good.  His plans are perfect.  He is in control of it all, and he simply asks for our trust, and that we would keep our eyes fixed on the eternal rather than the temporal.  Because when we are able to do that (though it’s incredibly difficult and I struggle with it all the time), things like fame, glory, wealth, and even comfort, seem like not that big of a deal.

 

So now is the test.  The pears are off of the tree, if the market is steady this year, we stand to receive a good return.   Will we use the returns to make much of ourselves?  Or will we use the returns to seek God and see what He would have us do.  There is a whole planet full of people he loves.  I can’t imagine that he’s given us so much, just for us to use on ourselves. 

Oh God let us be faithful in this.  The temptation for “more” is ever-present, and oh so subtle.

All the Glory to the loving, eternal, sovereign, creator God of the Universe.

 

 

 

First day of.....yeah.

First day of Spring!  Spring was behaving like my heart today.  Started off cold and frozen, while according to the season, it should be manifesting warmth and light.

Then the sun came out and the light melting the cold was absolutely beautiful! God does the same thing with us! His light melts our frozen-ness  and it is a gorgeous sight to behold.  I'm always thankful when He does this to me, in his mercy, even though at the time it usually hurts and I want out of it as soon as possible.  

But if he didn't thaw the hard, frozen, prideful areas of me, new growth would not be possible.

1 John 2:16-"For everything in the world—the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life—comes not from the Father but from the world."

This is such a constant sifting process for me.  My heart tends toward pride.  And pride is so tricky that it even masquerades as humility.  It's like a war inside.

It's easier to appreciate the beauty of it all in hindsight.  And in saying that, I know that I'm nowhere near done. I'll be in process until the day I die. 

 

 

 

 

An ordinary, blessed kind of day

Yesterday was great. We saw beautiful skies on the way to Wenatchee. Milo went to preschool and nick and I went to MOPS.

MOPS was extra wonderful.

We went and got some things at the dollar store and then came home. Later in the day we played outside and after Kevin got home, Milo and I ran up the canyon for some impromptu sledding. It was fun until I gave him a poorly advised sled run and he ended up in the brush!

Kevin got dinner ready and made a salad (he doesn't usually even eat salad!) and he even made a vinaigrette that was DELICIOUS.

The boys tried out painting with shaving cream during bath time. That was definitely a winner!

We finished the night with bible study with my sister Heather. Good times!

God is creative.

I was so blessed by the teaching we received at church today.  It was about spiritual pathways, and how God created us all so differently, and actually delights in the different ways we worship him and experience spiritual transformation!  This was so LIBERATING!  I have been struggling with this exact thing lately, and once again, it’s like God planted this message just for me.  He is so good!

Something I have been feeling, is that I just long for more and more of God’s presence all the time. The deep kind of soul intimacy that comes when I am quiet with Him in prayer, listening studying the Scriptures, or reading a book that grows me spiritually.  In preparation for a talk I gave at MOPS last week, I had spent the previous few weeks giving myself “permission” to use Nick’s naptime and Milo’s quiet time, as a time for doing this kind of quiet prayer/study/journaling time.  I wanted God’s spirit to move and reveal things to me that I felt like He wanted me to pass on to the other MOPS moms.  So I gave myself all the time I could in close communion with Him.  It’s super hard to get much of that these days, with the boys being 4 and 2 years old.  Just the amount of time it takes to be a good mom to them, keep the house in order, be a good wife, generally consumes almost all the time I have.  So it’s hard to find the margins that can be trimmed, and honestly, sometimes I have to give up on things that the world probably views as “essentials” but when I really listen to God, He tells me it’s okay to let those things go.  Like laundry.  I have a constant laundry issue going on, but we all have enough clean clothes to wear, and I’d rather have a few piles of unfolded clothes and get some quiet time with the Lord.  That’s just one example of many where I’ve been letting things go that used to (and sometimes still do) drive me nuts.  It’s a difficult process of God pruning away the things that I cling to that really don’t have eternal significance.  But it’s definitely not an easy process, and there are definitely days I feel like I’m losing my mind and I end up in tears.

So, earlier this week, after I laid Nick down for his nap and was preparing to go have some quiet time for myself, I sort of asked myself “Okay, is it maybe time for this little ‘spiritual vacation’ I’ve been allowing myself to have, to come to a close?”  I mean,  I can’t have a messy house forever right? I need to get STUFF done!  And then I felt a little guilty that I seem to require so much alone time with the Lord to stay spiritually healthy.  Like, why can’t I be one of those people who can read a psalm in the morning say a 30 second prayer and be good to go?  My weaknesses frustrate me.  I know though, that when I’m spiritually healthy, it’s good for the whole family.  Sort of like that saying…”When mama aint happy aint nobody happy!”

 

So that’s why I was absolutely elated to hear today’s message at church! I don’t have to be like everybody else! God made me with a natural bent towards spending contemplative solitary time with Him, and also with a thirst for more and more knowledge about Him!  I spread out my hands to you; my soul thirsts for you like a parched land.-Psalm 143:6

 

 I’m a Mary, not a Martha.  Sometimes.  Is it normal to have a heart divided between those two types of women? When I try to force Martha to show up here, it just doesn’t end well, but I keep trying to force it.  (Mary and Martha from Luke, Chapter 10)

Now obviously I just can’t lock myself in my room and read all day. God has given me some very practical assignments.  Raising a family is a lot of work!  I’m trying to have the goal of seeing God more and more in that work.  Honestly, I really haven’t found the balance yet, and if I know one thing it is this; I won’t find that balance in my own strength and wisdom.

James  1:5  If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.

There it is.  I have no wisdom of my own.  God promises to give wisdom generously.  This is such a great promise, and I’m going to cling to it, because I know when I rely on my own strength and wisdom, I start looking for formulas.  The trouble with formulas is while they can be helpful, they are devised by man, and they usually end up frustrating me because I can’t execute them and get the results I want.  This is requiring so much trust from me! Some days I don’t know if I can do it.  I want tidy, mapped out, structured, how-to manuals for just about every aspect of life.  But God doesn’t work that way!  I think he doesn’t work that way because if He did, we would have no need for Him.  When I have no wisdom of my own, I’m constantly on my face before Him asking, “What in the world do you want me to do with this situation/child/task????????”  And then I receive the joy of Him giving me some sort of encouragement or revelation either through prayer or through His word, and that is so much sweeter than following a formula.  He is my Dad, and He wants to help me with everything.  All of it.

 

He has made so many promises to us, and He is good on them.  Like these ones:

O Lord, I call to you; come quickly to me. Hear my voice when I call to you. –Psalm 141:1

Listen to my cry, for I am in desperate need.-Psalm 142:6

 

 

I pray those a lot lately because I honestly have no idea what to do with my kids sometimes.  But God is faithful.  He’s not going to leave us here alone.  As long as I keep my eyes firmly focused on Him and what He is calling us to do with our family, I know His promises are sure for us.

Kids ARE here. Part II

I guess I was really tired last night when I posted this.  The whole point of that post was supposed to be that I'm trying to practice an attitude of thankfulness for the stuff I tend not to be so thankful for! Like mess after mess, sweeping that never ends, muddy boys, & toys everywhere!

 

If I can see those things and be thankful to God for every single bit of it, it drastically changes my perspective.  Our God is a God of grace!  He has given so much, and yet I get stuck in my selfish little mind with it's thirst for control and order, to the point that I can't even recognize the gifts I've been given that are all around me!

 

So these are some of the pictures I took as an intentional way to see things through the lens of gift.  Everything we have is a gift from the Lord.

 

I just forgot to post these last night when I was blogging, apparently I must have been really tired, since that was supposed to be the whole theme of the post?!  Ok, no more blogging from me after 10 pm, I promise!

I had just swept less than two hours prior. No joke!

The laundry monster is taking over our room!

and sometimes when we feel cooped up, it's good to get outside and see the divinely ordained beauty all around us!

This hillside was part of the backburn that was conducted during last year's fires.  It came really close to our house.  I'm so amazed at how quickly it's recovering! As soon as the snow began to melt, there was green showing through!

Psalm 18 v. 1-2

I love you, O Lord, my strength.

The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;

my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge.

He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.

Kids ARE here.

This blog post is my attempt to practice eucharisteo as Ann Voskamp writes about in her book 1000 Gifts.  Her book and her blog just speak to my heart on the deepest levels.  She is so real and honest about doing life, motherhood, and doing it all to glorify God and be wrapped in His love, even when we feel like we are drowning in the daily-ness of it all.

I spent a lot of time reading Psalms today.  They are so powerful.  I was reading ones written by King David, a man who had much sin in his life yet pursued God and longed to be in His presence.  He sounds like me.  Maybe that's why I find so much comfort in the Psalms.

Words are escaping me at this hour of the night, I had hoped to write something to go with these pictures, but I'm going to just have to go with pictures alone.  

Faux 10 on 10 {December}

This was supposed to be 10 on 10 (10 pictures on the 10th of the month)

However.

I can't ever seem to limit the story of our day to just 10 pictures, and I realize it's actually the 22nd because it's taken me that long to get this blog post done.

These are about 50/50 between my iPhone camera and my Canon DSLR. These were all taken on December 9th.

Pink Sunrise

Checking the snow conditions. No pants required.

Heading into church.

The reason for Christmas.  He came for us & He came to die.

Blessed by good bible teaching.

Stopped to visit Grandpa Brian after church.  He's recovering from shoulder surgery.

Lunchtime for the boys.

Nicky's favorite thing to do!

I want some chickens!

Milo is quite the chicken catcher!

Milo likes to unbuckle and come sit up front when we drive down the driveway.

Milo calls this little truck his "snowmobile" or "snowblower" depending on the day.

Melting

Great place to live!

These boys love to bake!

Snickerdoodles.  As requested by Kevin.

7 {Round 1}

Warning: I’m baring my soul here, and feel extremely vulnerable!  I’m only doing it in case it resonates with someone else and is in some way helpful for them, otherwise, this would be going into my private journal!

Day 1

 

I started 7 today.  I’m going with almost identical foods that Jen Hatmaker did in her book "7" 'an experimental mutiny against excess' , mostly because they are all foods I like, and since she did all the nutritional legwork to see that they were good picks to eat for 28 days, I figured, why re-invent the wheel.  My one trade was instead of spinach, I’m having broccoli. So my seven foods are as follows:

Sweet Potatoes

Broccoli

Whole Wheat Bread

Apples

Avocados

Chicken

Eggs

 

*I am seasoning the above foods with salt and pepper, and I am also using Olive oil for cooking.  Additionally, I did not give up coffee w/ half and half in the mornings.  My kids need a slightly sane mother (notice I said slightly!) and I fear that eliminating coffee at the same time I start eating these 7 foods, could bring out some sort of Hulk/mom mutant.

 

I had been pondering doing this for a couple weeks, but didn’t know if/when I should start, were my motives wrong, etc.

 I’ve struggled with food having too much significance in my life for a long time.  Several months ago, I finally called it for what it is, a sin (gluttony) and started to embark on a journey of breaking that bondage (sad I know, how dumb is it to have food as a “sin”??)  But the bible actually has a lot to say about gluttony.  Their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach, and their glory is in their shame. Their mind is set on earthly things. Phillipians 3:19.  I found myself conveniently ignoring those parts.  I just needed to do something drastic, but I struggled with how that would look practically.  Enter the book 7.  I found it because I went to amazon to pin the book “anything” on my favorite reads on a pinterest board, and 7 was down on the lineup of recommended reads for me.  The only time I had heard/seen anything about the book was that someone I barely know posted a picture of it on instagram.  But I was intrigued, and looking for a good read, so I ordered it.

I had no idea what the heck I was getting myself into.  It rocked me.  Big time.

Okay I need to pause and write more about all of that later.

Now I need to just jot down some thoughts about my first day of eating those 7 foods.  The morning was easy. Eggs for breakfast, something I would usually eat anyway.  By about 10 I was hungry, and eating some dried apples that I made the previous weekend.  By noon I was hungry enough that I was irritable with the boys and seriously wondering if I was going to make it.  (See? I’m addicted to the instant gratification of eating whatever/whenever. )  Got home, put a sweet potato in the microwave and made the boys leftover taco casserole from the night before.  So I had my salted sweet potato for lunch.  I was hungry about 50 minutes later ([email protected]) so I devoured two pieces of whole wheat bread.

At that point I needed to get out of the kitchen and do something else.  Nick went down for a nap, Milo started watching a movie, and I went and spent some time doing my Beth Moore study on the life of Jesus.  Totally felt better after that.   Jesus is much bigger than food, why does my small mind forget that ALL THE TIME.

The rest of the afternoon went smooth, felt like I was over the hump.  Dinner for me was roasted broccoli in olive oil (yes I am having that) and a chicken breast. 

By about 8 o’clock I was pretty hungry and I have a habit of snacking at night.  Also, the election results were on all night, and I was so disillusioned with all of it, that I couldn’t watch it, so I figured I better just go read in bed and go to sleep early, so I could “skip” some of the evening hours where I would normally be having a healthy dose of ice cream or some equal nutritional gold mine.

 

Day 17

Well, I had intended to write about this whole deal much more frequently, but I guess life happened. 

In the meantime, 7 foods has been going pretty good!  Physically, I feel, as close to awesome as I have in a long time.  I think it was around Day 6 when I had some non-sanctioned 7 food.  Kevin and I went on a date and ended up missing the first showing of the new Bond movie, so we went to Wok About in the meantime.  I ate broccoli and chicken (both part of my 7 foods) but then some onions, bok-choy, cabbage, water chestnuts, and I had ginger, garlic, and sesame oil for sauce.  All topped off with peanut sauce and cilantro.  So yes, it was non-7, but I felt like it was a semi healthy, whole foods-ish meal, so I was okay with it.

Fast forward another week, and we had our last class of Financial Peace U at church, and we all came early and had a big barbecue-potluck dinner.  Not wanting to look like a weirdo with my plate of sweet potato and chicken from home, I decided to eat the celebratory dinner.  It tasted good at the time, but holy heartburn, I was in pain for the rest of the night. 

Today is Thanksgiving, and I will not be bringing my own dinner and explaining this whole thing while celebrating with Kevin’s family. To bring a little flavor of 7 to the gathering though, I did make a sweet potato pie with whole wheat crust to bring along! (which turned out terrible, wheat flour makes a crust that is only slightly less tough than a new Firestone tire)

 I had meant to get right back to it on the Friday after Thanksgiving, but that didn’t happen.  As it turns out, we had scheduled a date with Kevin’s brother and sister in law, long before I started this whole food gig.  So, we went to Fujiyama and I had a delicious Japanese hibachi dinner, and then we topped off the night at Blue Spoon frozen yogurt.

One other thing we have been doing since I started this a few weeks ago, is Friday night at our house is rice and beans night.  The family is doing their best to be supportive, but I know it’s a stretch for Kevin and Milo.  Nick loves rice and beans, and would eat it all the time.  I talked with Milo about how we can eat this to just taste for one meal, what our little sponsored boy in Haiti, Michael, eats probably every day, and usually only once.  It’s a work in progress.  He’s not really thrilled with eating rice and beans, and I’m pretty sure he ended up not eating it last week, and had a yogurt right before bed.  Oh well.  I don’t want him to feel guilted into it for sure.  I don’t think guilt is a great motivator for empathy.

Some things I have learned so far:

• Being hungry is not an emergency.  I do not need to proceed to the nearest drive through (and I really can’t since they don’t tend to serve anything that’s on my list of 7)
• I can be in the presence of food, even food that I want really badly, and I don’t have to eat it.  I think God has helped me out in a big way in this regard because I LOVE TO EAT.  I’ve never had enough “will-power” to diet well, but somehow these past few weeks, I’ve had some sort of super-natural strength to forget about whatever it is that I’m craving (and I know if food is not your thing, you’re probably like “What? She talks about food like its drugs or something”. ) Well in all honesty sometimes it does seem to have that effect on me.  It’s humbling to admit that it’s a huge weakness of mine.
• We save a lot of money when the primary grocery shopper is not buying things based on her foodie whims and desires.  Basically we have been buying of course a lot of the 7 foods, but then since I’m still making regular food for everyone else, I’ve just been getting into the habit of using what we have in the cupboards, or making more things from scratch.  I still buy them other produce, milk, yogurt, and those kinds of fresh things, but I really haven’t bought much processed food at all this month.  I’ve actually noticed a subtle shift towards healthier eating habits in both boys.  Curiously enough, they seem to always want to have some of what I’m having, so that’s great! I’m all about my kids eating more broccoli, sweet potatoes, and avocados!
• My body does so much better on a diet of simple foods.    I just feel way better.  I’ve also lost 7 pounds, and that is awesome! 

 

I did not set out on this as a weight loss venture.  Now, of course I had in mind that weight loss could be a side effect, one that I would happily accept, but if that were my motivation, it would be too easy to get frustrated.  My motivation was to free my thinking from being obsessed with food.  When to eat, what to eat, how much to eat, guilt from eating too much, too often, guilt from eating the wrong thing……I was just OVER IT.  I needed something practical, and this was it. 

I’ll report back at the end, and see how I finished up.

DONE!

I had my last day of 7 foods last Friday.  I ended up doing it for 25 days, and over the course of that 25 days, I had 4 times where I had a “non 7” dinner.  These were times where we were eating away from home, and I didn’t want to make a scene and have to explain this weirdness in my eating habits. 

 

All in all, this was an awesome exercise for me.  I would like to believe that I will be doing something similar at some sort of interval throughout my upcoming months, but we’ll see.  

I’m finding out that self-deprivation can actually be satisfying.  It’s a weird sense of contentment to be okay with not having what I want when I want it.  I find it curious that I even have to do a self-denial project like this, while a mother across the world is doing the exact opposite.  Trying to figure out how she can feed her kids on less than a dollar a day.  It really puts into perspective just how excessive, and quite frankly disgusting, some aspects of my life are.   Will this zeal for reformation be ever present for me? I hope so, but I know that it’s not by my own will that it will happen.  Jesus is the one who came up with crazy ideas like this:  “Sell your possessions, and give to the needy. “ Luke 12:33.  “Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.”’ Seems like he nailed the whole concept of selflessness and it’s only by His power and presence that I can hope to even have a smidgen of the heart of generosity that He has so lovingly poured out for all of mankind.

The ultimate pursuit here, cannot be to glorify myself by doing some different spiritual exercise every month as some sort of torturous form of “25 days to a more self-righteous me”.  The whole point is that by getting less of my appetites fed by worldly things, I would chase Jesus to have my appetites fulfilled by Him.  The result of that would be that I would be devoted to Him, in need of Him, ever thankful for the grace He’s given me, and as a result, I could not help but to pass that on to the people around me.  That’s what it’s all about right?  We are not to be only receivers of the gospel, but communicators of it as well.  That’s hard to do when we forget we even need the gospel of Christ, because we are getting most of our desires fed by temporal things, or worse, we feel we don’t need the gospel of Christ because we feel pretty darn righteous because of how awesome we are at keeping tabs on our own life.  I have repeatedly fallen prey to both of these, and it’s only by God’s grace that I can hope to continue trying to dig out from under both of those temptations.

The Legacy Project

A couple (ish?) weeks ago I wrote about how I've been sort of having a huge paradigm shift about how I'm seeing the people of this world.  It wasn't anything I drummed up, it was totally God's doing.  He is just bringing things freshly to my eyes and heart, and confirming these convictions with scripture.  Original blog post is here

It's easy for me to feel inspired, feel like something needs to happen and then go on to do a whole lot of.....nothing.  Sad, but true.  You know how it is right? The schedules, the kids, the daily stuff, it's hard!  So, I've been trying to be more aware of things I can do from home, or with the boys.  One of the easiest things was to sponsor another child, actually post the pictures of the kids we sponsor on our cupboards, and talk with Milo about the types of lives they live, and make it a point to be praying for them and talking about them.  If you have ever felt called to sponsor a child (which can literally rescue them from starvation, help send them to school, dramatically reduce their risk of being human trafficking victims), here are a couple of sites to peruse..

Help One Now  &   International Child Care Ministries

this is Michael, and he lives in Haiti.  He is 4 like Milo, so it's a very relevant way for Milo to learn about what life is like outside of our country, for kids who live a much different life than we do.

 

There are many great poverty alleviation projects happening around the world.  I know that our church is involved in Burundi, Nigeria, Haiti, and Columbia to name a few.  But I found a really cool group of people who are working together to build a school in Haiti, and are soliciting the help of people from all over the place.  The project has been broken down into steps.  You can literally buy a brick to help build the building.  There are all levels of funding opportunities.  It's so amazing!

One of the biggest struggles in Haiti (and many impoverished places), is that without solid educational opportunities, the poverty cycle just keeps continuing.  I'm sure those mamas there, like myself, just want the best for their kids, but they just don't have the possibilities and options that I do.  It breaks my heart.

Here is what they are working with now.  Their schools, like their homes, are housed with tents. That works out okay when the weather is nice, but when it rains and storms it just doesn't work.  Here is a picture of some girls at school.  There is a whole bunch of pictures to see if you scroll left or right:

tent school

If you'd like to hear more about this project that could literally transform a corner of Haiti read here: Legacy Project-Help One Now

Isaiah 58:6-9 ⁶ “Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen:
to loose the chains of injustice
    and untie the cords of the yoke,
to set the oppressed free
    and break every yoke?
⁷ Is it not to share your food with the hungry
    and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter—
when you see the naked, to clothe them,
    and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?
⁸ Then your light will break forth like the dawn,
    and your healing will quickly appear;
then your righteousness^[a] will go before you,
    and the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard.
⁹ Then you will call, and the Lord will answer;
    you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.

 

What if?

Hypothetical question;

What if, when Milo and Nick are grown up and gone from our house, something should befall one of them that would render him unable to provide even the most basic of necessities for himself or his family.

And lets say that Kevin and I have since died. What feelings would rise up in me, if from another realm, I were able to see this scenario unfold.  One of our boys is destitute poor because of some unwarranted unjustice or atrocity committed against him. 

Meanwhile, the other boy is living a very comfortable life.  He and his brother don't speak often, but he is aware of the desparate nature of his brother's poverty.  He may send him a dollar in the mail every now and then, but nothing more. He thinks "Why should I be inconvenienced just because my brother has a miserable life? After all, I've worked very hard for what I have"

I can't imagine the grief I would feel while I watched one of my sons wasting away while the other was more concerned about how much money he had saved for his next vacation, car, house, you get the point.  

It occured to me this past week, that the bible uses the language "brothers and sisters" to talk about the family of believers. (pardon me if you've had this realization for quite some time, but please indulge my epiphany here).  So, God is our Father.  And we are his kids.  We are all brothers and sisters.

When I put myself and my kids in the hypothetical situation above, and really made myself ponder what it would feel like to witness such injustice, met with such apathy, it brought me to a place of deep sorrow.  But this is exactly what is happening in our world.  God is looking down at his kids, a good portion of who have been materially blessed beyond what is even fathomable for the rest of his kids who are living in poverty.  Do you think maybe he intended that some sharing of resources might happen? 

I know this is so against the grain of the American Dream.  It's so against every notion and ideal we have been brought up with.  It's weird.  I hope this is not coming across as self-righteous or overly pious, because that is not my intent AT ALL. I'm just finding a lot of things in the bible that are totally rocking my world.  Keep in mind, I used to zealously fight for the cause of capitalism and every-man/woman-for-him/her-self-ism. I was convinced that Jesus was a Republican who wanted us hardworking people to keep all of our money.  Obviously I forgot to read the bible.  And then God in his grace intervened and saved my spiritually blind, greedy self (that's a whole other story for another post).

I'm not even sure where I'm going with all of this.  I'm praying for direction.  I just feel like God has been stirring something up in my heart. I don't know what to make of it, other than it's time to do something. I don't know what that something is, but I'm sure that in His time, he will let me know.

This all might have something to do with the fact that we are receiving some solid teaching about money/stewardship right now at church. Have a listen here. Or maybe it's all these crazy books I've been reading? Jen Hatmaker wrote 7. Then there was Radical by David Platt. And anything by Jennie Allen. At first these were all extremely a little difficult to read because of the GLARING hypocrisy in my own life.  But God is gracious.  He likes to rip off our conceptions about what WE think is the end goal of our lives, and show us that he actually has a much more awesome plan, but to hop on board with it, we need to be willing to be all in, and ready to die to ourselves.

 

I'm excited.

10 on 10 {October 2012}

I barely got this done! I have been neglecting my camera lately, and everything else photography related.  Life has been so consumed with parenting these boys! Nick has definitely hit the strong willed, defiance that is the hallmark of being 2 years old.  His birthday is not until next Monday, but he wanted to get an early start I guess.

Yesterday was a pretty average day.  Messy house, preschool, MOPS, playtime at home, chores, dinner, bed.  Average, but it takes all the patience and kindness I can muster to make it through a day like that.  Good thing it's not up to me~ Galatians 5:22-23: But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forebearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.  Against such things, there is no law"  Of course I don't nail this every day, but by God's grace, despite my failures over, and over, and over, and over, and over, he generously gives his Spirit to guide me in this parenting journey, and I hope to continually manifest these promised fruits of the Spirit.

Of course one thing that gets in the way of this are my idols.  When I worship a schedule, a clean house, other people's approval, my own comfort and ease, hobbies, and the list goes on........I cannot serve God and people the way I was created to do.  I'm thankful for the conviction that the Holy Spirit brings when I slip into worshipping my idols time and time again.  Even when that comes through the gentle correction of another person.  SO thankful for those people who love me enough to point out where I'm slipping.

Anyway, on to the story of our very average day!

"helping" with cleaning

Milo with his buddy Caleb at preschool

beautiful flowers near the entrance at church

Nick is ready to go.

That boy did NOT want to come in for lunch.

Baby Max

Milo babysat while aunt Heather worked on editing pictures

post-nap grumps. yes he still has his newborn binkie. well not the actual one, but the same kind.

new reads I picked up while at Women of Faith last weekend.  Loving both of them.

didn't work out like I hoped. Had to finish them in the oven.  That's what I get for procrastinating.

Such a good helper during sheet changing time.

After dinner.  Do you see the boy whizzing past?  I think he did at least 30 laps around the table after dinner, no joke.  Then they both ran circles around the yard until it was dark.

Fall is beautiful

Goodnight little house.

Staying consistent with my style to post more than 10 photos in a 10 on 10 post:)

And while I was making this blog post, the boys dumped out a big container of pretzels on the floor and pretended it was a "pretzel restaraunt" and kept serving me handfuls of pretzels.  That is why my posts are few and far between these days;) Off to clean up! Have a happy day!

Anxiety. Smoke. Pears.

We have been stuck under a layer of smoke, with a day here and there with clean air reprieve, for almost three weeks now.  I remember when it first started, worrying that the smoke was going to taint the flavor of our pear crop which was all still hanging on the trees.  Then I went onto worrying that all the panic about the smoke in the newspapers, was going to spiral out of control and catalyze a mass exodus of everyone from the valley.  That would have left us with a year's worth of fruit on the trees, with a whole year of growing costs invested, and no return to even pay for the costs, much less a profit.  This is where my anxiety ridden, female mind wanders off to, when left unattended for too long.

One morning, a few days before we were supposed to start picking, there was still no end in sight to the smoky conditions.  We had been trapped in the house for over a week, and were in the midst of a stomach virus making it's way through our house.  I was about to lose my mind.  Literally.  I had a day where I was really despairing and felt like I couldn't dig out of it.  I was able to wake up before the boys on this particular morning, and had recently found an old bible study booklet covering the book of Proverbs, with specific focus on the topic of anxiety.  I went through one of the lessons, and felt a great sense of peace.....for about three hours.  Then I think I read yet another article about the  smoke apocolypse and freaked out again.  I called Kevin, voicing my worry about everyone leaving, or perhaps even mandates that no one work outside, and how are we going to ever get the pears picked, blah-blah-blah.  His response: "Well, there's really nothing we can do about it".  And he said it so light-heartedly.  I laughed as I realized the irony that I was the one up at 5 am doing a bible study on anxiety, and it seems to come so easy to him, to not worry.  I told him this, and he had a good laugh. I don't know if he realized it, but he literally brought to life this verse: 

Proverbs 12:25

²⁵ Anxiety weighs down the heart,
    but a kind word cheers it up.

How does trust and faith about these things come so easy to him? I want that kind of peace of mind.  I really struggled during this time of smoke induced hibernation.  It was very hard to be indoors with 2 boys for that long, and not run out of things to do, and more importantly patience and kind words.  I know part of it was that I felt like I was in a spiritual slump during this time, and I was leaning heavily on the truth found in scripture, but my heart just would not perk up.  

Deuteronomy 31:8
The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”

In the end, we got all of our pears picked in 10 days, which is our usual timeframe.  We felt blessed and grateful for this provision, because daily, we were hearing stories of people being VERY short on labor this year.

I feel like I'm on the other side of my feelings of depression and restlessness.  So thankful for that.  God is so faithful to be ever-present and even when I can't feel that presence, I know he is there.

Here are a few pictures from harvest.

We are so thankful for all the laborers who made this possible! 

The Truth!!!

re-blogged from John Piper's blog.  GREAT food for thought!

Real Refreshment Comes from Seeing Glory, Not Getting Stuff Done

by Jon Bloom | July 19, 2012

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Cursed are the anxieties that choke the word and blind us to glory and true joy. Even the anxieties over things legitimate in themselves (Luke 10:40-42).

They frequently surround us and constantly demand our attention. The meal needs to be made, the car needs cleaning, the garage is out of control. Let’s not talk about the laundry room. Are you ever going to read that parenting book? You’re not saving enough for retirement! When are you going to complete that course? Have you updated your will yet? Has the child finished his chores? Oh for goodness’ sake, look at the bathroom!

Legitimate things all of them, and a thousand others like them. None of them is wrong to do in themselves. In fact, most of them need to be done at some point. And yet any one of them, or the compounding pressure of all of them, can produce acts of faithlessness because they make us anxious and troubled and they siphon off our fleeting time, our fleeting life, in these evil days (Ephesians 5:16).

Beware, “the cares of the world and the deceitfulness of riches choke the word” (Matthew 13:22). Cares choke the word. And when we’re choking, we can’t see the glory the word reveals. We might know about glorious things, but if knowing doesn’t produce seeing, it does us little good.

So what do you do when you feel like you’re choking? You do what Mary did in Luke 10:39. You carve out time to set the demanding tasks aside and sit at Jesus’ feet and listen and look.

But you’re not going to feel like it. You’ll feel like getting the stuff done. Getting stuff done will promise you relief, but don’t believe it. It won’t deliver much. More stuff is lining up behind the stuff currently shouting at you. Stuff will steal your life if you let it.

Real relief is in seeing real glory. Because in seeing the “good portion” (Luke 10:42) of the glory of Jesus, in really hearing his refreshing word, your priorities shift. You see your life in eternal perspective. The voices of demanding stuff diminish in volume and compulsion.

 

In the battle to stop giving my life to stuff and start seeing glory, I regularly pick up Seeing and Savoring Jesus Christ. It is a beautiful supplement to the Bible in helping me sit at Jesus’ feet and remember Reality. That’s why right now we’re making this book available:

 

• In cases of 48 books
• For a donation of only $79
• With FREE shipping within the Continental United States
• To order, please call 1.888.346.4700.

 

Join us in resisting the tyranny of stuff by spreading the relief and refreshment that seeing and savoring Jesus brings.

________

 

Father's Day

We had a great Father's day this year! Started the day by letting Dad sleep in while we played with the new kittens.  Milo found 2 kittens the day before in the top of a pear tree.  He was riding his bike when he heard meowing.  We decided to keep them and have since found out we have one boy and one girl, named Smokey & Snowbell.  They are a lot of fun, and they put up with the boys who are learning how to be careful (as in not throwing them up in the air like toys, holding them around the neck, etc.)

After we gave dad his wake up call, we got ready for church.  Great message at church about how God wants to Father us, and be involved in all the details of our lives.  I needed to hear this, as it's something I continually struggle with.  I have a hard time believing that God cares or needs to be bothered with the things I consider insignificant and mundane.  I've come to realize (but need frequent reminding) that this is really due to a lack of faith and reverence on my part.  God is omniscient, omnipresent, and eternal, and fully capable of handling every detail of every person's life on the whole planet.  The question is, will I bring everything before him and ask for his help with it, or in pride, will I assume that there are some things that I should probably just try to handle myself because I don't want to "bother" God.

After church we went to Home Depot to look for a new barbecue.  We've had a charcoal barbecue for years, but with the boys, it's really hard to try to keep them away from it and it's so dangerous to have around them.  Not to mention the inconvenience of having to light the charcoal and then  wait around for 40ish minutes for it to be ready.  Just doesn't mesh well with my last minute-failure to plan dinner approach:)  Kevin chose the barbecue, and I think he chose well! It did take him the rest of the afternoon to put it together, which doesn't seem fair, since it was his Father's Day gift....we squeezed in some play though here and there, and then had a lovely dinner of hot dogs and roasted broccoli and mushrooms, all on the new grill.

It was a great day!

Yay!

Nick slept through the night last night.  From 7:15 pm to 6:15 am.  I know many people reading this will be shocked to learn that this is the first time he has ever slept through an entire night.  Actually, I don't know if Milo has either.  Needless to say, our sleeping arrangements are not "textbook", but they work pretty good.

Both boys start the night in their own room, & their own bed, but at some point Milo migrates to our room, and I migrate to Nick's room and end up sleeping in the twin bed in there.  It works out fine, everyone gets pretty good sleep, and I don't really sweat it too much.

However, I am planning to go to a planning retreat with the rest of the MOPS leadership team this summer, and also planning to go to the Women of Faith conference in the fall, so I've been sort of stressed wondering how I was going to get away for these events and ask someone else to get up in the middle of the night in my absence.

I never thought to pray that the boys might sleep through the night, it seems trivial.  Sure, it would be nice to get a full night of sleep and stay in my bed the entire time, but in the big picture of life, it's not really a deal breaker.  I do remember though, the other night as I was lying in bed about to fall asleep, & feeling especially exhausted, I uttered some sort of prayer about how it's not THAT big of a deal, but it sure would be nice if God would miraculously make either of the boys sleep all night.  I forgot that I even prayed that until after I had been up a few hours this morning, and when I remembered, I just kind of laughed, because it was then I realized that God DOES care about the small things.  I always tend to underestimate him and his love & care.  It actually says in the bible that God WILL take care of us as mothers, but of course I often forget this.  

Isaiah 40:11 "He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young."

I guess I will see in the coming nights if Nick continues to do this, or if it was a one time thing.  Either way I am thankful.  One night of solid sleep gave me hope and enabled me to see the light at the end of the tunnel of sleepless nights.  Mostly I'm taking this as a lesson from God that I am always to be bringing all matters of my life to him, even if they seem unimportant, because nothing is unimportant to him.  After all, he even takes care of the birds.

Matthew 6:26 "Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?"

easter egg dyeing

I'm getting a little post-happy these days, I feel like I've been blogging non-stop lately.  I think it's partly because we got a new desktop with a huge screen, and it's super fast so Lightroom & Photoshop run at lightning speed so it takes very little time to get a post ready.  

Anyway, Milo & I dyed eggs together on Saturday while Nick took a nap.  That night we made Empty Tomb cookies.  It was a really fun activity.  Each ingredient signifies something in the crucifixion story. We followed this recipe: http://westerntractmission.org/KK/craft/EasterTombCookies.shtml. It was a lot of fun!

Sunday morning we got up and went to church at 8 am.  That was a very early morning for us.  The boys (mostly Milo) were excited to check out their Easter baskets before then!

Baptism

I got baptized a few weeks ago.  I was baptized as an infant, but felt led by God to do a full immersion baptism of my own volition, now that I have put my life in the hands of Jesus.

Acts 2:38

New International Version (NIV)

  Peter replied, “Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins. And you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit".

This was prompted by Pastor Josh preaching about baptism for a couple of weeks in January.  Of course I can't cover 2 sermons in one blog post, but the gist of it was: the American church has basically made baptism sort of an optional thing, while it's a clear mandate in scripture.  Meanwhile, believers around the world literally risk death by being baptized, and do it anyway, in their obedience to the Lord.  

So what was my excuse?  Since I began following Jesus a couple of years ago, I have wondered, do I need to get baptized?  These sermons I heard from Pastor Josh felt like God telling me an emphatic "yes".

I'm enjoying seeing others get baptized at church now nearly every week.

One of the scariest parts about this was getting up in front of the whole church and feeling "on display".

Here are some photos from the day, and as soon as I get the video, I'll attach it to this post as well.

"So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him."

1 John 4:16 ESV